You ever have one of those “why me?” moments?
I spent a good deal of my childhood and high school years having those moments. “Why was I born this way?” “Why cant I find someone to look past my disability and see me for who I really am and love me how I am?” “Why am I even alive?”, you name it I thought it.
Despite my disability I was lucky enough to be born with parents who loved me and made sure I was included and not excluded from things and made sure I knew just how loved I was and how much my life mattered.
It wasn’t until the age of 19 that I truly discovered that I really was loved and that my life did indeed matter and not just to my parents but to someone who loved me even more than they did. See around the age of 19-20ish I came to a point in my life where I started to develop what I guess you could call “spiritual awareness”.
Pope John Paul the 2nd had died and in that same time frame I had seen The Passion of The Christ (great movie, go buy it!) and because of those 2 events a few things became obvious to me. 1. We die 2. We go somewhere when we die 3. There are 2 destinations for us to venture off to once we die 4. There might be something to this whole God/Jesus thing. Oh and to backtrack a little, as a child I went to church and my mom and grandma told me about God and the bible and stuff but we stopped going to church because I got sick lots as a kid anywho…… so ya I around the time of the whole passion of the christ/pope dying thing I also started (unexplainably) getting hungry for reading books and yet nothing I read seemed to feed that hunger so I tried out the bible.
A few weeks or a month later (maybe more I dunno some of this stuff is mixed up in my head) I found myself having one of my fits of depression (by the way I struggled all the time with suicidal thoughts and major fits of depression) and on this one particular night I was having a pretty big fit of depression. I remember thinking “I want to die because I feel worthless and like my life is meaningless but at the same time I don’t want to go to hell” and so desperately and not expecting a response or for anything to happen I began to pray. I remember pretty much saying “God I don’t know if you’re real or if you’ll even hear me but I don’t want to die and end up in hell but I don’t want to live either.”
In that moment when I prayed that prayer the physically numbing depression I felt in my body (I was always physically cold and depressed and emotionally numb) flooded out of my body and was replaced with this unexplainable warmth and energy (I now know it was the holy spirit taking residence) before all this take place I was laying on my side in bed crying but when the holy spirit took residence I immediately shot up in bed saying “He’s real!”.
Fast forward a few months and I met my wife (knowing even then she was gonna be my wife because the holy spirit said “That’s the one God created and prepared for you”) and now here I am at age 27 still married and as much in love with my wife as I was the day we met and now i’m working with God on getting a men’s ministry up and running for “disabled” men. If you wanna’ know more check it out here www.walkingtallministries.webs.com.
God is good! Amen?